the accidental girl

I'm more than crystal clear on the fact that men are not "all the same". The majority are lad's lads with personality changes when they're in a one-to-one situation.
I can't even fit the ones I've known into separate categories. They're all unique. Although, there are sweeping generalisations I could make about 'lads', a type I don't usually like. I've been out with a few and in my experience, they're pretty much the same.

In fact, it's frustrating that men are not easier to read. The kind I like make up maybe 1% of the educated male population and within that, I've only ever met a few who were able to challenge me enough to keep me inerested. I'd like to know where to find these kind of men, the kind who are:

outdoorsy yet like art house films
practical yet sensitive
egalitarians yet still masculine
highly musical and still be able to appreciate dancing to rubbish music
incredibly bright but able to be silly and funny

Of course, the next step would be to find this man in a package looking suspicously similar to Matt Damon in a kilt *sigh*. They do exist- M was all of the above (but not like Matt Damon fortunately, otherwise I'd be more upset).
Oh, and with an amazing smile and arms- the kind farmers have. Strong ones.. With good hands and and..
Ok, I'll stop. It does exist, I do have high standards and fortunately for me, all men are different. I just hope the above exists somewhere.

So I went home for a week or so after what was essentially the most stressful term at uni ever. It would be fine if I knew how to pace my work but I'm the kind of person who will do a couple of hours work and preparation the first week and then leave everything else to the last minute so that the week before the deadline, it's not uncommon for me to be up 72 hours straight (with 2-hour catnaps) whilst trying to finish everything off.

Whilst home, I usually see this friend of mine C, who has repeatedly expressed an interest in me because I'm "the most genuine girl he knows and a beautiful girl with an ugly girl's personality". Two compliments I hold dear.. The reason we've never acted upon this in the 3 years he's known me is because a) I'm in Edinburgh, he's 500 miles away b) he's not really my type, it's purely a biological attraction.

I used to quite like him way back when he first met but then we famously went to Cyprus for a holiday with other friends. It was like looking after a child! I was doing all the driving and then it was left to me and Nina to clean up after everyone else. I lost absolutely all respect for him when he broke various items of furniture and drank all the beer and then wouldn't own up to it.
We met alone on Saturday night after a period of not seeing each other for 6 months.. He used to say how sacred sex was to him and how he didn't like one night stands. It's not a trait I'm partcularly bothered by but it serves as a contrast to what he's like now. The first line of conversation he used was how great his new year was because he'd had a threesome and then it deteriorated from there, everything was about his very active sex life.. In the same breath he went from 'last Friday I slet with such and such and we did this and that' to "let's talk about us; I really like you still". Those are two topics of conversation I'd never put together...
Needless to say, it went nowhere.. I went home, he went to a party to find some more willing flesh.
Girls offer themselves to him regularly. I refuse to be one of them.

Why are you so hard to get over.. I still get butterflies when I know I'm about to see you. I still keep an eye open in case you're round the corner.. I still jump when I see someone who looks like you- my heart skips a beat and I still feel empty and disappointed when it's not you.

I miss you.. I wonder if you miss me. I check facebook etc. in the hope that maybe you've thought of me but my inbox stays empty of your name. Other people soon fill the space, pushing your picture further and further down from my field of view. It only makes me notice your absence more. I wonder what you're up to, who you're seeing, who you love.. I know that if I were to know, that it would break my heart.
I don't understand how things changed so much.
I don't understand how one person can still love another without any feeling being given back anymore.

I resent the fact that you can have so much fun without me.. I don't want to harbour these feelings, give them time but I can't help it. I have nightmares about the day you leave or the day I see you with another girl.
All I want is the impossible, for you to be missing me...

It all used to be so easy, I distanced myself to get over you but it's made you into this unattainable entity. Your image hovers like gossamar and I can't quite touch it when I reach. I try to talk to you but you're too far..
I wish I could get over you, I wish I could treat you like a normal friend, be genuinely happy for you.
Everything's changed so much and it's causing me so much pain.. I just want you to leave Edinburgh, I want you to be far away so there's no chance of me bumping into you as you hold hands with another girl. I want you to be far away so that the reason we'e not together is because of the distance, not because you don't love me.

I came home from a long night of work in the computer labs (massive project, deadline Monday..) and S extended an invitation to talk. So we did. As predicted, he said I was creating the situation myself. It seems I'm forcing them to have sex every waking minute that they're home, to bathe together, to sit entwined on the sofa together. I'm obviously a pretty powerful aphrodisiac. So, dead end..

anyway, I told him that compared to the end of 2007, it feels like I live alone. He didn't seem to register that and said that I'd done something wrong by reacting so badly in the first place back in November. I can't tell him the truth because that would mean admitting something I'd kept secret from him over the last few years and the timing's completely inappropriate as he's with H. So I just have to remain looking like a psycho because telling him the truth will be more destructive to everything. I'd rather he thought I was crazy than lose him as a friend.

I guess this whole thing is part of the reason I got so close to M. He was the first man I'd met who could compare to S, who could make me forget S altogether as he's better in some ways. Anyway, I latched on to his friendship at the time as a lifeline and then eventually lost him as well. So leaving me floundering a bit. I refuse to be a victim though- positive thinking always gets you further.

I just want this whole problem to go away. That is to say, I wish H wasn't in the flat. I've lost all respect for her. She recalls perfectly well our conversation back in October of the 'I've always liked S' fame and now insists on telling me (when S isn't around) how great it is to be with him, how they sleep together all the time, isn't it great? How am I supposed to tell him that she's doing this? I don't want to ruin their relationship.. He doesn't deserve to lose how happy he is with her and I fear that if the choice was between her and me, he'd probably choose her.

So, choices are:
a) tell him part of the truth- that H goes on about their sex life, how much she loves him etc. and that I think it's too much seeing as I already live with them.
b) not say anything, let him think his friend has lost the plot and just apologise for my behaviour.
c) very unlikely but: tell him the truth. This nearly spilt out when I was angry last night but I honestly think it's a bad idea.

I'm in a slightly irritating position at the moment. I've been sharing a flat with my best friend from home for the last 5 years and in that time, he's become possibly the best ever friend I've had. We're really similar and can usually talk about anything. If I had a problem, he was the one I'd talk to about it, if I was sad, he'd know exactly how to cheer me up and make me smile. In fact, he knows just what to say to make me laugh out loud.. So, he feels like home. It's nice to live with someone you get on so well with, it makes a change from just being flatmates.

This year, a new third flatmate moved in. This was a girl that S (my friend) had been on a date with, only for her to turn around and say that she didn't like him that way. This was a familiar position for S who got this on a regular basis. He'd turn to me and say 'why do no nice girls like me' at which point I'd bite my tongue (his sister had told him that I liked him when I was 18 but he just laughed in my face at such a ridiculous notion- it really hurt at the time). So, once platonic interest was established between them, H decided she'd move in.

For all of September and October it was an amazing flat to live in. We all got on so well, we'd sit together in the living room making up stories and basically playing, making up songs on the piano and being silly. I loved spending time in the flat and thought I'd found a new friend in H. She turned round to tell me that she could see us being great friends forever and I told her she was the coolest person I'd met in ages. So, the end of 2007 was an amazing time for me- I was seeing M (who I was falling for, despite my better judgement) and my flat was a happy place to be.
She asked me at one point why S and I weren't together because we got on so well and it was obvious that we were quite similar. I explained that I had liked him immensely at one point but that he'd never felt the same way. She then admitted that she liked him but would never do anything about it as she considered me her friend now and she wouldn't want to hurt me.
At the end of November, on one Saturday afternoon, H's room was empty and S seemed to be still in bed as his door was shut. Towards 6pm I though he must be out so I opened his door slightly, but no, he was still in bed.. Soon after, H appeared out of nowhere and had a shower, then S emerged and made some food.. it all clicked and I felt so stupid. It transpired later that they'd been seeing each other for a while already. So I felt like a fool for not noticing the connection between them as we all settled down for a meal together and she'd let him try some of her food using her fork.. she realised her error at the time so let me try some too but it just stings with condescension now..

S came to apologise for the secrecy and said it had been a thorn in his side for a while. He promised not to make the flat weird for me now.
Famous last words..

It's now March and I've basically been living alone since Christmas. They're always together- they hang out together and if I come into the living room to chat like we used to, H gets up and leaves. I'll talk to S for about 5 minutes but then he'll get up and see what H is up to. If they make dinner, it's for them, I'm excluded. They stay togehter in their room from the moment they come home to the moment they leave for work. I've basically been demoted from friend to flatmate..

Now I know what it's like to be in love and to want to spend all your time with someone. Especially for S because he's never had a serious girlfriend before, so I'm happy for him, really.. but I just wish I could have my friend back because it sucks being this lonely in a flat full of people.

I've approached them twice about it now- reminding them that I live there. The only time it's felt relatively close to how it used to be was when H was away one weekend or when S was away for the weekend. It seems enforced separation makes them seek company from me but that otherwise I'm a poor substitute. 2008 marks the loss of my best friend and the loss of two new friends with such potential. S and H are moving out soon so the opportunity to restablish our friendship will not be there and M is moving away so again, his last memory of me will be as a melancholy girl who used to be fun.
It's tempting to think it's something I've done as I'm the lowest common denominator in all of this but I refuse to bow to the usual female trait of second guessing myself. I'm entitled to feel like this. It's S's loss, he asked me if everything was ok this morning as I seem withdrawn- I know that if I say something the first thing he'll do is tell me that I'm imagining it and that it's a situation created by my own behaviour.. so I won't say anything.

..I'll just remain frustrated until they move out. Maybe not very constructive but it's the easiest thing to do.

Waiting at the bus stop, it seems, brings a host of difficulties. There I was, in my kickboxnig gear i.e.sweat friendly trackie Bs etc.. when this alternative looking chap comes up to me and asks if I have a spare pound. I say no, that I only have enough to get to where I'm going etc.. and he potters off to annoy some other person.

5 mins later and he's back, apologising for bothering me, he sits right up close to me and the following ensues:
"Hey pal, I'm sorry for bothering you about t'poond."
"That's alright I know how annoying the busses are about change..."
"Aye, that's just it, I've loads of cash, just no pound coin!!"

At this, he pulls out a handful of crumpled notes.

"See? I'm loaded, just didnae have the change!"
I nod and look suitably impressed at the £50 he has in fivers clutched in his paw.
He selects a £5 note and holds it towards me..
"Here love, that's for you.."
"No, no, really it's ok.. I can't accept all that!"
"Naww! You have to take it! I would'a given it to the nice man who gave me a poond but you're prettier so I wan'tae give it you."

I take the fiver, shuddering inwardly at his super super grimy grey fingers and nails.
He gets up, checks himself out in the reflection of the bus stop and smooths his hair.
"What am I like, eh?! Checking myself out! I'm married and all you know?"
"That's nice! What's your wife's name?"
"Anita.. (she's asian you see)"
"I do see! That's lovely!"
"I gave you the fiver coz I wan' you to buy yersel summat pretty"
"That's very thoughtful, thank you. I'll try to spend it on something to make me happy."
"Aye! You should be happy! Look, can I take yer photo?"
"...erm.."
"Go on, summat to.. to.. remember you by."

He takes a photo.
"Ey, can I have a hug too?"
He hugs me, without waiting for a response..
"I think you're beautiful, I ken I shouldnae coz I'm married like, but you are. I'll look at your photo..."
"Yeah... do so.. erm.. that's my bus.."

I jump on the next bus, he's getting far too familiar. Not one person at the stop tried to help me or prise him off me. Pah. He was harmless I suppose..
I got on the bus (the wrong one) and look for my change...
"Ach! Now you're just teasing me! Look at your bum! You've got a nice bum! What a tease!!"
I'm thinking fuck's sake.. where's my fucking money.. gah..
Scotland's scary...

On the plus side, V my kinght in shining armour, upon hearing about my ordeal, cycled over to protect me from further contact with junkies

Can someone please explain the point of Crufts?? I mean come on, the world's about to blow up and people are parading their animals in some overindulgent show.

Much better to celebrate the Ugliest Dog award. Look at this bad boy, that's some dedication:

Seriously, there would be an uprising if we made humans compete in the same fashion, separating them by class, race, religion etc.. then learn simple footwork to music, jump through a few hoops, be professionally groomed.
Ah wait, Miss World.
That's a whole barrel of other fish which I don't wish to disturb just yet!

My latest foray into romance has reminded me what it is to be 19 and in love. Trouble is that I've come to an age where you don't need to live in another person's pocket, live everything with them, love them so passionately that you let yourself be drowned by them. My latest romance is intoxicated, he adores me and tells me so, calls me his love, his sweet, his everything.. and were I not bruised and cynical, I'd probably love him just as hard back and we could melt into each other and become a fierce ball of passion.
As it is, I like my share of free time, independence, the idea of a part time lover. Seeing someone 1-2 times a week suits me fine especially when contrasted with the thought of seeing them constantly. Maybe it's the difference between being head over heels and merely fond of someone..

I'm starting to vaguely recollect my first few experiences of sharing my bed with someone. Your heart pounding, not being able to stop yourself gazing at them as they (sensibly) sleep. Holding them with the delicacy of clouds in order to not wake them. Now, l'habitude means I just pass out when I'm tired, whether there's a sexy man next to me or not. My beautiful boy does't pass out and thinks that if I stir slightly in the middle of the night it's a call for kisses or cuddles and keeps me too far back from the verge of sleep with his incessant stroking, kissing and holding.
It just makes me miss the fact that M and I had the same sleeping style, close together whilst drifting off and the parting to sleep at opposite sides of the bed. V seems to want to sleep completely entwined which means that should I move I wake us both.
(He doesn't move as he doesn't fall asleep, just lies perfectly still so that he can watch me..)
He's sweet and open to criticism- I've instructed him in many ways already and he tries his best. For example, I have an issue with overly dramatic pda, I don't mind holding hands, even the occasional kiss but I hate snogging in public, especially in broad daylight. I just need to now work on the not disturbing me at all between 1am and 7am on a school night.

Anyway, it's just bad timing. Had I started seeing V instead of M I'd probably be just as intoxicated.. It makes me wonder, as I believe in fate, what the purpose of meeting M was if it's only showing me how everyone else is lacking?? V is wonderful and in many ways ideal, so was the reason I met him after M to stop me from falling for him completely because he's not the 'One' (not that I believe that there's only one 'the one' but you get my drift)?? M is the closest i've ever felt to being inclined to spend more time with someone without getting bored after 3 months.... Perhaps the lesson learnt is to look deeper than we normally do at people.

Or perhaps it's that our story isn't over.. who knows.. I think the latter is very unlikely, any doubt he may have had over his decision to not be with me has since been confirmed and cemented by my insane behaviour since then! I pride mysel fon being chilled and not a jealous person but that was totally disproved the last 6 weeks.. Oh well!!

In the dead of the night, I feel him next to me.
He kisses me to sleep and I think it's you and smile. Murmuring contentment, I nuzzle into your neck and back.
It feels wrong.

In the dead of the night, I can no longer smell you, in a panic all the fibres of my being scream "liar!" "imposter!"

"pretender to my heart!"

The poor innocent boy holds me, whispers that I'm
beautiful,
per
fect;
His Dream.
Whilst I burn with the realisation that I am not his to keep. Temporary love.
A respite from the unrequited kind.

In the dead of the night, I fool myself.
I fool other, good good men.
I am an Imposter,
a lie
a reflection
of myself as I
watch the girl, lie
next to the boy
..as she dreams of you.

Well this is very exciting! A brand new blog.. My old one was too accessible by ex boyfriends, crazies et al.. so here's my new start. Kind of wish it was New Year then I could just roll all my new resolutions into one digital masterpiece.
Oh well..

So, three things to describe me: generally misunderstood- people take my shyness for arrogance, my kindness for sycophancy and my politeness for martyrdom. Also, far too naive when it comes to basic emotions like love, I don't see the problem with having a romantic ideal and believe that it's a state that should be cherished.. it deeply frustrates me when it doesn't work out for unsatisfactory reasons. Lastly, I'm fed up of the associated guilt which comes with being a woman, I have in-built complexes which are completely unfounded- I know I'm attractive, intelligent and good fun (and terribly modest evidently!) but at times my self confidence fails me because I always second guess myself..
Trying to work my way through that.

I'm a student.
I have many friends who I don't see as often as I should because student-ing is a full time job.
I have fat days but I secretly am quite pleased to look like a woman instead of a stick.
I hate house music but love love love sweet things like beth orton, regina spektor and currently, soko.
I'm in a constant battle with my love life- either they're not in love but I madly so or I'm not in love while they're writing odes to my smile, eyes or hair.
I have a skewed self developed philosophy of life, mostly gleaned from books I've loved, music I've absorbed, people I've learnt from and pan-theological ethics.. I treat others as I'd like to be treated. It's not Christian, it's present in almost all faiths.
I have a determination to succeed in life- this is to say, by my own standards, that I want to be deliriously happy with a life full of love and laughter..
I love my family although they are all grumpy probably at exactly the same time on the same day as I'm happy. I'm grumpy two days a month. Chocolate solves it.

So.. that's a little about me.