Apart from struggling to fit two portal frames together, today was relatively hassle free. Unfortunately I did my usual thing of punishing my emotions by listening to the saddest songs on repeat. Today was one of my favourites, but it is quite soul destroying..
So after this self punishment. I realised how the wrong attitude is what breaks people. I understand how alienating it is when someone you love doesn't love you enough back and yet you can still picture the beautiful intimacies you shared but it's so important not to wallow.
I'm such a hypocrite.. I know this yet I still indulge in letting my thoughts wander to M, praying with lapsed faith that he's safe and happy on his current travelling adventures. I ought to stop thinking about him. That's the problem with 'staying friends', mentally readjusting your perception of them, relabelling them- trying to tipexx out the burning desire and infatuated admiration of them and scribble over with 'wonderful friend' is one of the hardest things to do.
Trouble is, I can't quite remember the exact nuances about him that made me crazy about him. This, I admit, is good but then it worries me that if I've forgotten, why is my idle mind still consecrating so much free time to pondering about his existence? Infuriating!!
Anyway.. I spent the rest of my day planning MOTs for my two days in London before I go back to Edinburgh. I have to go back to the dentist to make sure my one and only filling hasn't set up a guerilla resistance squad against my molar and then I have to see my physiotherapist to try and work out the root of my weak back and get some excercise routine set up. Definitely don't want to hurt it again.
