A Few Things I Have Learnt From Cyprus
1. Car horns are indispensible. In fact, I think the driving test here includes a section on beeping as opposed to using indicators. Turning right? Press your horn and stick your arm out of the driver window. Running a red light with pedestrians mid-cross? Blare your horn and shout expletives at them until they scurry to safety.
2. Rules and time only apply to foreigners. And foreigner includes Cypriots who have the misfortune of having a grandparent or great grandparent who is sadly of tainted blood, usually Turkish. If, however, your cousin's neighbour's daughter's nephew works in government, all your paperwork will be fast tracked. Lucky you!
3. Never discuss the Cyprus problem with a Cypriot. Especially if they're 2nd or 3rd generation. They just don't want to think outside the box. Besides the 'cyprus problem' is no longer about the segregation and the buffer zone but is now said with a bit of scorn and is more likely to refer to the indigenous erectile problem* than anything political.**
*I quote from a male neighbour. Infer from that what you will. I have never seen a cypriot willy so I can't confirm the above.
**of course, erectile dysfunction is also a political problem, a lot of waiting around for some dicks to stand up for you.
4. Ants are tenacious. They will come if you leave crumbs out. Once they come, their memories are imprinted with the route of your kitchen and they will never leave. Even if it's spotless.
5. 9/10 cockroaches are scaredy-cats, the remainder will attack. My usual tried and tested method of stamping my foot near a cockroach to send ti scuttling back to its source doens't work with the braver 'roaches. Stamp your foot and instead of running away they will scuttle towards you or fly into your hair.
It's not nice. I shall give up being happy clappy 'no unecessary killing' if they carry on being mutinous. I shall then invest in some acid to spray on them. Buggers.
6. Your shins can sweat. As can forearms and surprisingly, the tops of your feet... This will happen copiusly. Especially when you're sat down in a poorly ventilated room for two hours learning greek and then, upon standing up, the seat of your trousers will be soaked and the world and his dog will be horrified that one so young should be struck with apparent incontinence.
7. Turkish Cypriots are handsomer than the Greek Cypriots. Betraying my heritage, it's true, but it must be said that the north conceals far hunkier specimens than the south which seem to be made up of bouffant hair and skinny jeans. Wandering around kyrenia's back streets, every other young man was olive skinned with blue or green eyes, symmetrical features, strong jawlines and nearly all tall and lean.
Saying that, they're all a lot sleazier on the north than on the south (where they all dress like a gay man might if in the UK).
8. Watermelon goes off. My supper consisted of watermelon with a funny, slightly alcoholic aftertaste. Odd, as it didn't look any different.
9. Stick to one bikini. If you change bikinis in the hope of getting an even tan you are a FOOL. I have multitonal zebra heaven going on at the top of my thighs and across my stomach not to mention the various criss-crossing of lines across my back and chest.
10. Don't admit to people that you go running. For they will surely look at you as if you're mad. In fact, don't admit to walking anywhere either- it is customary to use your car if needing to travel for more than 200m.
Admitting you go running is akin to divulging your latest STD results. No one really wants to know how far you'd go to make yourself feel better.
