The trouble with being inherently kind is that I'm in constant martyrdom.. A few days back in Edinburgh and without the kind judgements of my good friend NNav, I've strayed back into the easy folds of being lead into a relationship, fairly against my will.
How do you tell someone who loves you too much- despite your evident flaws- that you want to let them go, you only need part time affection? I push him away daily, I'm unpleasant, I'm grumpy and I purposefully go for superbad monkey mode (which involves glasses, retainers and unwashed hair). His reaction is to smile into my hair, inhale and say I smell like concentrated me, that I make geek chic hot and that my mood lives up to female mystery. I pull away when he feels the need to sit right up against me. I hint that it's time for him to leave, which he doesn't get and he shadows my trip to tescos, my walk to the gym, my secret indulgence of chips at the local turkish take away.. I've told him, not even in my usual roundabout way but directly, that I'm not wanting a relationship. He says it's ok, I don't think he realises how serious I am. I know how he feels.. I'd take anything M could give me but I'd feel used afterwards.. how can I treat him like this, thinking I'm making him happy with artificial love when the truth is that I'm bored.
I'm too kind to destroy him but too weak to disappoint him. I know I want to be single but when faced with the possibility of making a wonderful man very happy, I give in.. I know NNav will tell me I'm being too nice to him and probably pull a face. Maybe if he liked me less I'd be crazy about him.
I played my first game of squash in months today. Caught a superb low ball by diving on the ground, only problem being that my knee took the brunt of the impact and now it's swollen and multicoloured and the back is also starting to bruise. It must have knocked all the way through the joint. It hurts to walk.. if I'm a cripple, the Grecian can suffocate me to death with care and love.
