the accidental girl

Being that I have a heart of stone, I'm having a nice day getting reconnected with that trifling thing called emotion. My Nigerian flatmate's family has descended upon our flat and I really don't mind. Her little brother is sweet, I found an old Scream mask with blood spurting around the face form halloween which he has far more fun with it than I do. And he appreciates my juvenile taste in videos (Mask, lion king etc..).
What really touched me was having her mum around. No hand shaking or polite head nods- but full on huge hugs which knock the breath out of you. Then after a tummyful of spiced rice and fish stew, I'm a happy bunny!!

So despite the fact that I have no flat at the moment (it's filled to bursting with people) it's lovely. Very wholesome familyness night tonight! Especially as I also made a malteser cake for my flatmate to celebrate his successful job application to P&G!! Smiles all round..

mm.. following the success of my first ever attempt at carrot cake on saturday, I made another. It's goooood. Very healthy too! Maybe I should work as a chef again, it's a less scary prospect than moving to say, Bahrain for the foreseeable future...

I think I'm entering hibernation mode. I'm fighting the urge to eat everything in a 5 mile radius, constantly and waking up is a huge deal. I just can't do it. My brain is bubbling with life when my alarm goes off but my eyes refuse to open and my limbs are anchored to the bed. Maybe that's what a coma feels like... It took me an hour to get up, I did it in stages. First I curled up so I was sideways along the bed, then I wormed my top half out from the covers and fell into a slumped over my crossed-legs position (I find it comfortable), slept for 20 more minutes and then eased my legs straight, lined up on the stair down and rested for 10 minutes from the exertion of uncurling before waking up properly.

Anyhow, off to the university 24hour labs to finish my work. Another late night

I've hardly had time to breathe this week let alone bore you all with my usual tosh.

I had to learn to make a website you see. It was all being so confusing but then, with a nudge from a helpful pal, it all became clear and now Lo! I have a thesis website. It's all very exciting. There isn't any info on there really for the moment, but still, it's looking all right for an amateur!

Other news: autumn is the season for graduate job searches. Which is fine but I have to make the momentuous decision of either staying in the UK or going abroad. The latter representing bigger projects as structures have been hard hit by the oncoming recession here. Bigger projects and better, tax free, pay. Of course, if I stay here, then I see all my friends more often and I don't have such a scarily big move.

I also applied for a placement to be done from august, hopefully for at least 5 months so I can put off working until the new year. I'm procrastinating my future.. how sad is that?

What else... I never did text back for dinner. I think the period of 'mulling' is well and truly over! So operation 'stay single' is well under way. hurrah! Oh, I had to see V over the weekend. We were at a mutual friend's birthday party. It wasn't that awkward for me, just made me feel a bit guilty seeing him looking a little sad. We spoke for a bit because I didnt' want him to feel that I was ignoring him. His small hints at his sadness were an elementary mistake which I know I indulge in myself when heartbroken. It only works on a certain type of mood and I wasn't in the mood to be empathetic that night.

It put the dampeners on th eparty for me somewhat. There were friends there I wanted to see, to laugh with etc.. to be able to drink a little without him making some sideways comment about what a mess I am when drunk. (It's not strictly true- he's referring to the night I had at the end of exams last year: He was the last person in the world I wanted to see as I knew I was to break up with him in the morning but he turned up to pick me up from the club I was at with my friends anyway! So I couldn't stay until the end which immediately made me grumpy and I had to go from an amazingly euphoric night with them to a forced sobriety as he find exburance embarrassing. )
Anyway, his presence only had the effect of chasing me away to the other end of the bar where there was another group of friends and another party. I stayed there for an hour, just to dance and laugh. It was fun!

Anyway, I'm off to Glasgow this evening for a meeting and to see one of the guys who went to Bosnia with me.

I've just wasted an hour of my life in order to sort through the 1079 photos of me on facebook. I've untagged a good 70 of them. Most of the bad ones were from a difficult* friend who seems to have a gift for capturing my triple chins. Hope he doesn't think I untagged his out of spite...

*difficult = two years of "will they won't they?" peppered with him thinking that the thought of me would be better than the disappointment of the actual thing. Doesn't say much for the prospect of Monkey love!! Although he paid me one of the best compliments I've ever had: "You're a beautiful girl with an ugly girl's personality." Sweet. Although this was cancelled out with one of the worst backhanded compliments "I keep thinking you're boring and forgetting how fun you are." Almost up there with "unusual" as an adjective.
He has a girlfriend now after almost 2 years of singleness. Hope they're happy! I hesitated going there as a girlfriend simply because he's cheated on nearly all his girlfriends. Which is not cool.

Raw chilli in my eye!!!! It burns!!

Today I woke up late. And with my breakfast, decided to watch some TV (I never watch tv- so this is momentuous). Fate meant for the following to happen:

Reaching across my bed to change the aerial, I must have sleepily over balanced because I fell right out of bed.
But that's nothing! I hear you say.

Wrong.

My bed is 2 metres in the air in some sort of space saving scheme seeing as my room is the size of a matchbox. So! I plummetted down the wooden stair, catching my feet on the dresser (as per) and then THWACK!! My head smashed against my door.

Why this is important:
I learnt a lesson. Not only that trying to reach a stretch of 10cm more than I can manage won't work but that premonitions do, in fact, happen. I knew it was a bad idea, I saw the fall happening but I was too lazy/sleepy/curious to stop myself. Now everytime I get a strongly negative feeling if I push too much down one path, I will stop and recalculate.

On that note, I must get back to work. Blogging leads to a 2:2..
Oh! But does anyone know if it's possible to get from Copenhagen to Koldinghus and back in one day? I suspect I may have to go and visit...

Or rather, doing the limbo underneath it.

Still no student loan.

Still no pay from work.

I have about £56 in overtaxed stuff but can't claim it until I have a copy of my passport, which I don't have because the student loan company needed to check I hadn't had a sex change in the last 6 years of giving me a loan.

Still no word from temping agency.

The problem being that I'm now £990 overdrawn in a £1000 overdraft. Crap! I've paid most of my way so far so refuse to ask my parents for help- although I did concede to my mother paying my travel buddy the £100 I owed him for an emergency extra night at the hotel and ticket from urumqi to shanghai. It's only a loan of course but it just adds to the debt. I just hate the idea of friends lending me money so would rather owe my mum than a mate.

So, how best to spend my last £10 before payday in two weeks' time... Make that £15.76- I went all the way to the bank to drop in the coppers I've amassed over the last year. I just wish my loan company would sort itself out.

edit- WOO HOO!!! A few careful phonecalls and my application is getting fast tracked. I should be seeing some loan money in a week! YESSSS!

Do you eat a lot of fast food? No. I can count on both hands the fast food I've had this year. I'm not including takeaway curry of course, because I onyl ever have dahl with chapattis which isn't really what I'd class as fast food.

How many people have you kissed in 2008? Good question! About 7 no, 6 I think.

Have you ever streaked? Yes. It was painful- Scotland is not designed for nudity.

Are you an understanding person? Mostly. I'd like to think I am. Although I can be self centered at times.

What was the last movie you saw in the cinema? The hairdresser one- zohan?

What did you last get upset about? Like upset upset? M leaving. Though saying that, I got pretty upset after an argument with my old flatmate. Oh and I wasn't impressed when I came back to find my room had been used as a landfill site over the summer.

Do you eat sweets on a daily basis? At the moment yes, normally no.

Does it make you happy to get letters? Yes! I love letters, but I never get any anymore. I used to have pen pals all over the world..

Who was the last person to text you? Louise

What are you looking forward to this summer? Graduating!! WOO HOO!!

Do raisins belong in cookies? I prefer chocolate or nuts but sure, cookies are always good

Walking into a party, what's the first thing you notice? The last party I walked into, I noticed the people.

Kiss on the first date? If it's going well then yes.

Would you rather have chicken or steak? Chicken.

What's one thing you've learned from a good friendship gone bad?
Forgiveness is always the best policy

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
The friends who came to see me in Cyprus last summer.

Would you ever donate blood?
I try but I'm always too low on iron

Have you ever felt replaced?
Yes! Many times. Especialyl when my best male friend got himself a girlfriend. And latterly, when my ex boyfriend got himself a man to play with.

Are there deerheads covering any walls in your house?
Yah! They're next to my rifle cabinet, below the fmaily crest on the panelled oak walls. My butler, Terence, polishes them every morning whilst I go and survey my barony in my jodphurs and laugh at the peasants like so: "HAW HAW HAW". Marmaduke sometimes comes too on his pony and we chase foxes.

Have you ever been asked out?
A few times aye.

Are you good at telling jokes?
No! I'm absolutely SHIT at it. I laugh at random things and when I do tell a joke I spoil it by cackling prematurely.

Have you ever driven without a license?
aye, but only around fields. It's one of the perks of spending summers in the countryside

Do you wish you had smaller feet?
Yes

Do you write in cursive or in print?
Cursive scrawl

Who was the last person you sat next to?
My vet firend who I met for lunch. she's spent her summer performing acupuncture on animals donchaknow.

What were you doing at 10 am?
Sleeping

Are you different now than you were six months ago?
April. Yes. I'm happier

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
robinsons squash

How old will you be in 10 months?
25

Do you think you'll be married by then?
in 10 months?!! Only if I have a lobotomy or a personality disorder.

Was yesterday better than today?
I was seriously hungover yesterday so today is good in terms of head feeling goodness. But I have loads of work to catch up on so it's shit.

What month is your birthday in? sept

Can you live a day without tv?
Yes, many, in a row.

When was the last time you saw your dad?
a few weeks ago.

How many pets do you have?
0 unless mucky flatmates count? I have to clean up after and feed them so it's essentially the same. Plus they give me massages possibly one of my favourite things in the world. But he doesn't press hard enough.

Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? Bare feet is best

Available?
generally, yes but my life is all work at the moment.

What is your favorite colour?
Red.

What are you doing for your next birthday?
I'll probably be travelling so I don't know

Do you like coffee?
sometimes... onyl good coffee and then not too much. I'm a tea drinker.

What are you listening to?
chopin nocturnes played by livia rez.

Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
Yes- the middle.

If you could change one thing about yourself what would it be?
be time efficient. Be less shy.

Do you know how to play poker? yes, I'm pretty good at it if money's invovled but seem to lose the ability to play if clothes are involved.

What are you thinking about right now?
trying to think how best to spend the £10 I have left between now and next fri.

Any plans for next weekend?
work

What were you doing at 12 last night?
reading...

Do you smile a lot?
Yeah baby!! I always smile. apart from if I'm deeply heartbroken but thankfully that appears to be a bi-annual festival so smiles all round the moment..

Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?
No, but it felt like it at the time (when I slipped a disc)

Do you like flying or driving? Well, having never flown a plane... I LOVE love LOVE trains. If going home- I'll train it, if going long distances I'll try to train it- it depends how much timeI have to get there. Also I refuse to fly within the UK. It's too decadent.

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
Toiletries-food etc

Do you wear any jewelry daily?
My bracelet

Who is the funniest person you know?
I know a few of funny people.

How often do you remember your dreams?
infrequently

What is your ringtone?
Ring-ring

Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
Soya milk- light

Are you mad about anything?
Not really- most things creative but not everything.

What time did you go to sleep last night?
1:30

Where did you last sleep besides your own bed?
On the plane from croatia.. slept the whole journey home.

Alongside my thesis this year I'm also doing a course on fire behaviour- specifically, predicting how it will progress. This is important in relation to building because, for example, some structures cannot withstand the heat of long term flame. Take The World Trade Centre destruction. Sure, two plans crashed into the towers but it wasn't that in itself which caused the collapse of the towers. It was the sheer heat and duration of the fire which destroyed the integrity of the core structure and made it fail. The massiveness of the structure just gave it more potential energy with which to come crashing down.

Anyway, this fire course is very exicting but so difficult. I can't remember any of my school chemistry and this is all based on mols and burning rates etc.. Although, we also learnt how to discern an arsonist from a victim. Someone who purposefully starts a big fire (a la petrol) will have no eyebrows/eyelshes and a very burnt nose (as in the skin and cartiledge burnt off). This is due to heat transfer: the hair has little volume but a high surface area so the temperature rises quickly within the material. The nose has a high burn rate as it is dry (in comparison to lips and cheeks) and has large surface area (it is essentially an exposed hollow).

So! Next time you see a yoof with no eyebrows/eyelashes and a crispy nose, you'll know who started that car fire.

The Gods are conspiring against my decision to stay single. Putting ideas in my head and then- in a twist worthy of a film script- put me in the same bar as an unfinished business from a year ago.

So, in reference to a blog I wrote a year ago (before I ever arrived here):

How to smuggle a Scotsman in a kilt 25th May 2007

Drunk A_ has a heart of pure gold. Her happy and generous disposition, when greatly under the influence, induces her to pick up stray Glaswegians stranded in Edinburgh for the night.
Case study: last night.
Venue: Garibaldi's
Event: Larry's 21st birthday party
Thus the setting for A_ disproving her own theory that you can never have too much vodka because a lot of vodka "doesn't make me drunk" was set. This is a lie, too much vodka makes her very drunk. So much so, in fact, that she emptied her purse all over the floor because she just let go of it. And then, due to a slight loss of balance whilst dancing, fell into a sitting position in the middle of the dancefloor.

Anyway, just as the night was coming to a premature end (damn BST), I found myself flanked by 3 men. Two of which wore kilts and one was wearing a rather brave shooting and fishing type of tweed sports suit. The latter was unsuccessfully trying to finish a pitcher of cocktail.
"That's a big drink for one person, I had little ones not a big one." Says I.
"Well, my dear, have some of mine, I can't finish the damn thing. I always like sharing my drink with a beautiful woman."
"Oh, shall I go and find one for you?"
I suddenly notice the taller of the two kilt wearers and wow. He was Hot. Yes, with an H.
"Hi I'm Craig.. I'm from Glasgow, he's not really Scottish, he pretends to be from Perth."
"Ooh.. but you don't have a weegie accent, you have a Perthshire accent!" I exclaim.
"Noo you've seen through my front! Now I'll have to talk to you more to try and get some dirt on you.."

Anyway, I managed to shake them off with the help of Ryry, the universal moustachioed sidekick. He posed as my boyfriend whilst they floated off to find other ladies.
Fast forward about 30 mins later, Lou, Ry, myself and gg are chatting outside when Hottie McHot comes over to talk to me... it's all very nice and before I realise, everyone else has disappeared and it's just us and he's offering to walk me home. Which he did.
So we get to my flat and I have absolutely no intention of anything and we chat for a bit and my friend John walks past and has a little chat and I come up with the 'perfect' solution..
"If only I didn't have to wake up at 6:30am to catch my flight home.." [a lie]
"6:30!! bloody hell... Shall I give you a lift to the airport?"
"Er.. well wheres your car parked?" [plan backfiring.. shit shit]
"Queens st.. i think"
"Oh no, well that'll take too long to go and get it, the bus I need is jsut around the corner, I'll get that in the morning.. thanks for walking me home though!"
"Seriously, it would be no effort and if you let me crash on your couch, it'll be a fitting payback."
"You dont' want to wake up at 6:30am with the amount you've drunk.."
"Well let me take you to the airport, I really want to see you again, you're so gorgeous and unusual." [Hmm. unusual.]
"Ha, don't be silly. Well you have my number now so if you're really that keen then give me a ring at 6:30am" [dangerous, he could call my bluff]

Fastforward.. Kilted stranger is now standing in living room..
"Thanks so much for lending me your couch.."
"No problem.. I'll be kicking you out at 7am though, just so that you know........" [how did the hot guy end up in my living room...]
So.... obviously a wee kiss goodnight- I mean, he was seriously hot. Like a good looking young alec baldwin with sort of really pale turquoise eyes.. man....................

So how do you smuggle a kilted Scot at 10am once you've realised that your plan has seriously backfired?
"I exagerrated about the plane time, it's at noon but I'm leaving for the bus now...."
I think he suspected I was lying about the whole thing anyway but in my drunken state I even went so far as to pack a small suitcase, get ready and then wait at the bus stop until he'd walked away and a bus had been..... I'm sure he's have understood if I asked him to leave politely. Oh well, vodka is a funny drink.
Still though, the hottest guy I have ever ever ever pulled... it was good. Worth the walk of shame in the morning.

___________________

So! How does this relate to last night? I haven't seen this guy since the morning he left over a year ago. He texted/rang regularly up until easter 2008 but I was either out of the country (Ghana, Cyprus, France etc) and then latterly- seeing M so we never met up.

Last night I decided to wear a dress, make an effort, pretend to be a girl. I turn up at Garibaldi's for the first time in months with my irish pals and we immediately try to get people to buy us drinks (a fun game- and easy when you're with G who is uniquely stunning.) She hones in on a big beared guy who claims to be a farmer- he happily buys her a cocktail and she staunters off.
"You shoudl totally talk to the big guy, he'll buy you a drink"
"What's his name?" I ask..
"I don't know! I just let him pay for my drink- I'm not chatting him up!"
So I go and wait at the bar, avoiding eye contact with beardy who reacts as expected and shifts position to be in my line of sight.
"Hi, I'm hugh"
"Hey, I'm A_" etc... he steps aside to let me get to the bar after a brief chat about farming.By stepping aside, he reveals a man who'd been next to him the whole time. He's hot. With an H. He catches my eye, mutual recognition follows.
"Hi! I didn't recognise you without your kilt"
"I wondered if you remembered me- I noticed you earlier"
blah blah... anyway, we chat for about 30 minutes, I get a drink (woo hoo!) then he says: "So how come we never met again? You know, you're as lovely as you were the night we first met. I really really fancied you."
"Just bad timing I guess.. "
He said he deleted my number from his phone because it embarrassed him to get no reply to texts. Though in fairness to myself- he used to text at 3am which in my book, is not a genuine sentiment more than a booty call. I showed him I still had his- he took mine back and suggested taking me to dinner. I'm mulling it over- true, there's someone else I like better but they live too far away and also, would it be leading him on if I don't want a relationship?
The problem is: he's hot and seriously eligible (part of the annual ski holiday/rugby crowd of genteel Scotland) but I just can't read him. His eyes are far too blue. And when we kissed, I couldn't help but think I'd had a better kiss recently and with someone funnier and more like me.

So I went for a walk this morning to take some photos of the building I'm interested in for my thesis and then just ended up walking the way up Arthur's seat and the crags. Here are some photos:

Then the building I'm doing:

And then just my walk...

Fairly chuffed as I got my first choice for the topic I want to research- long span structures in historic buildings. The idea being that I'm reintroducing a roof as an intervening structure on a ruined abbey.

So far, I'm super excited- especially about timber. I want to emulate the tall slenderness of trees and pick up on historical detailing. So, contemporary structural engineering (fairly complex stuff) but in a considered stlye. Here are some ideas:

Norwich refrectory in the cathedral. Oak laminate roof structure.
Koldinghus Amazingly tall independent structure.

So those are two ideas. I'll probably use glulam and make something akin to this:

except as a cantilevered gothic arch over the central nave and a slender arch over the side nave.. I'll keep you posted.

So I cleaned my flat, my study and did my filing, throwing away etc.. then in order to avoid more work, I did a study for a painting I'm planning:

the white background is a bit OTT- I really ought to have saved the white for the object. As I said, it's only a study..

Right, now onto actual work....

People's inability to not assess others in terms of stereotypes baffles me. The minute clues we all pick up on when forming a first impression about a person are almost instinctive, uncontrollable. You're brought up in a pseudo-tribal society, where class is taboo but still rife- you're expected not to judge others yet be able to gauge politely, their socio-economic strata, affiliations and profession in a glance. This saddens me.. We're all wearing the uniforms of our upbringing and most without realising it. It's what we're comfortable with, what we know. Trapped in a comfort zone which is near impossible to transcend. Those who do, never quite feel they fit in.

An ex of mine came from what can only be described as a very modest background. Only child to parents both on their second marriage, he was to be their success story. Second time lucky. So, they worked hard and put everything they had towards giving him the best start he possibly could have. Sent him to one of England's most expensive and most exclusive boarding schools where he breakfasted and dined shoulder to shoulder with the little darling brats of the grotesquely wealthy. After his 7 years of boarding school, he only felt he connected with one other boy who happened to be the only African pupil in the school. Both felt like outsiders amongst these priveledged undeserving. Both were appalled at the jokes the other boys would play on their masters. One story D recounted was of the head boy using his dick as a dish cloth for one of the monk's teacup. After a good wipe around inside the cup, he ran back to his seat and waited for the monk to come and enjoy his first cup of tea for the day. It's the kind of behaviour that you'd expect from a bored teenager, perhaps playing a joke on one of his friends. Not something you'd do to an old man. The story had a happy ending for the monk, he was warned by someone better brought up.

Anyway, back to my point. From his bearing and his accent, you'd look at D and think he was of a certain class and heritage but the truth is, he's still ill at ease with people other than his own and despite all his potential, still only wants the simpler things in life. I suppose you can take the lad out of the east end but you can't take the east end out of the lad.

It's not just about the class system though. People make judgements on all sorts of things. They're all relative to their own place of course. What I notice would be different to someone else. As far as I'm concerned there are several areas one could use to judge me:

Being a woman- from the imposed usual snap judgements I hate appearing incapable or weak with the result that I appear too strong and perhaps stubborn.... From the point of view of women- I often feel that their own preoccupation with fashion/shopping/etc.. gives them the upper hand in being more feminine, with the result of me being overlooked as I'm in favour of simplicity and comfort. I don't mean fashion in the high art sense- more in the trendy sense. Where image preoccupies them so much as to have no room for other development.
Being an Engineer- believe it or not- this has a huge impact in this country: Engineers are geeks here. Meet someone in a social setting and tell them you're an Engineer, they'll be running away faster than a speeding bullet. Unless they're an Engineer themselves. Although, when combined with my being female- it does intrigue some men but I must admit- it puts off about 90% of women.
Being mixed nationality - the WASP set up still exists. Especially in old boys' clubs. Again, being a woman has its advantage- it adds to the inherent mystery and exoticism of womanhood. But within friendships, I've always found it hard to get along with people who don't have a global view. Who are 100% one thing and have no interest in travelling. I've found my better friends are either also of mixed nationality or have a love of travelling equalled only by someone who feels at home nowhere and everywhere. Tell someone you're part french and they'll immediately associate the negative qualities of the French as a whole to you. Whereas, in my case, the only characteristics I've adopted from that side is a forthrightedness, strong willedness and a tendency to existentialism..
Being womanly - everyone assumes you use your assets to get ahead. Women assume you're predatorial and men immediately sexualise you. Either they imagine you're easy or more receptive to attention. Everyone assumes you're on a diet or should be. I ordered a chocolate muffin the other day to go with a coffee and the cheeky barista asked me if I was having a bad day for needing "so much" chocolate. When I asked him what he meant he replied with "isn't it a woman and chocolate thing?" What happened to just being able to have what you want in peace without having to trade muffins for stories on your menstrual cycle in public?!
Being polite- often mistaken for being insipid and bland. People assume you won't argue. More fool them.

What saddens me more though, are people who can't approach you from their own complexes. When I first started working as a software tester- the office was filled with other students who didn't quite know what to make of me. They thought I'd be a bitch because (at least in their own evaluation) of my average attractiveness compared to their indistinctiveness. I get this a lot. All my male friends I have now (far more than before) say that they initially assumed I wouldn't want to be their friend or talk to them. Something about my bearing or their first impression. They assured me it wasn't from my self perceived aloofness and simply due to their own inferiority complexes. But still, it's sad, as most people wouldn't get the chance of a year or three to get to know you. Think of all the potential friends you might miss out on in that time..

Anyway, how does one stop oneself from making these snap judgements based on appearance and initial conversation? And can you ever change your perceptions of yourself relative to others? I know I'm guilty of it myself. I'm derisive of women who spend too much time trying to please men, make themselve attractive and superior to other women. I dislike incurious people and if someone seems to be such I write them off straight away. Maybe I'm a hypocrite.. I don't know. I shall have to think about this some more.

Well! That was a semi waste of time. I have a great cv (and modesty is my best quality) and I'm relatively personable (unless I'm hungry). So there I was, for an hour, chatting away about possible jobs and temporary placements to work alongside my studies and the nice man interviewing me pipes up with:
"Of course, due to the financial crisis, the structures department is the first to go. We've got an over saturated portfolio of CAD techies and structural engineers at the moment. Of course, you're in the position of only offering part time, which might appeal.... "

Read: "Ha you stupid bint! There are qualified people on our books who can't get a job! What hope have you got?!"

Ah well.... I can always get a job in recruitment- they seem to be having a ball at the moment.

Oh, I forgot- I have a couch surfer staying. A terribly nice South African film making student! It's exciting. I'm going to ask him to give me some tips on making good films instead of shite ones. Anyway, I'm taking him to a jazz bar tonight. One of my favourite places in Edinburgh. It's bizarre- all other S.A. I've met have been sexist or racist or a combination of the two (great guys, right?!) but he seems to be neither. He also seems to be a borderline tramp as none of his clothes are clean or whole. I did offer to let him use the washing machine... I'm not the one to talk though, all my jeans are shredded.

Right. As was established by the previous post- I need money. Like, now. I currently have a job: as a software tester for educational computer programs intended to be used an aid to teaching for primary kids and secondary school kids. It's not the world's most exciting job. I initially applied (2 years ago now) because they wanted science related degrees to test that the science was correct in the program. i.e. the ball simulations obeyed gravity and such. I've been there just over two years now and in that time, the manager has changed twice and now we're supervised by a developer. This means that the job is no longer about testing the correctness of the science/maths/ IU/ graphics but about actual programming and complex animation.
Result: I'm lost. I have nearly no idea if what I'm doing is correct and whereas I used to approach my old managers regularly and without fear of recrimination, this guy's got an ability to make you feel quite thick if you don't know about the intricacies of computing. All the other testers (bar my gbf) are informatics or computer software engineering students- the chemists, physicists and engineers left last year as it became steadily less about the content than the performance.

Anyway-- my dilemma. I have an interview on Monday for a potential temporary CAD technician. The problem being that it's not regular or constant as an income but when I do potentially get work- it pays well (from £10 to up to £15 an hour) and I can do it blindfolded. The job I have currently pays ok (£7ph) and is fixed (8 hours a week) and after 2 years, I know the people there and quite like the office.

Maybe I should see at the interview how far they can go to guarantee me a shift. Hmmm..... Definitely don't want to work as a chef again- it was too stressful and the hours too long. Plus I burnt my hands too often.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Right. I officially hate the Student loans company, all their employees and their respective families and friends.
I applied for my loan back in June. It's been approved. Great! I've been getting a loan from them for the last 6 years.. This year, I noticed I had no money at the start of term, I ring, they answer-
"You need to send a copy of your passport in"

Right-oh.. I don't know quite understand why they need my passport now after 6 years of calmly giving me money without having to see it. So, I send a copy of my passport in. Three weeks later, still no loan and on top of that, no money and about £437 owing to various bills/people etc..
I ring them today.
"No no, you have to send your actual passport in.. You've changed courses you see."
Have I fuck. I've been on this course for 4 years, this is my fifth and final year and NOW they want to see my passport.
"It'll take up to 8 weeks to process the passport."
8 WEEKS?!! What do they have to do?? Get a blind person to check therefore translate it into braille maybe!?! What the fuck are they going to do with my passport for 8 WEEKS?? Surely, you check the name, signature- yup: SURPRISE!! It's identical to the past 6 years!! Wow!
I'm so bloody angry right now.
Argh.
This country sucks. I'm taking my masters in engineering and moving to a country where they run things more efficiently. Up yours UK, you suck.

I have the best job in the world (today). I get paid premium rate (for a student) to:
a) assemble a Fusball table (quite a test of skills- it's no Ikea flatpack. This thing had a mammoth 108577399* pieces to fit together)
b) assemble a Wii and HD tv and test it i.e. play from 2pm to 5:30pm...

*an estimate

We also had beer and pizza. The beer was nice, I can't eat pizza.. the Wii was enough to keep me entertained.

You may recall that I mentioned an Irish lad. A pre-Bosnia entertainment. Well, after our marathon 2 hour chat the night we met and the small matter of a kiss, we met up for a drink the night before I left. Now, I was still officially with V at that point, so technically, just agreeing to a drink with a man I knew I'd probably kiss was wrong but anyhow, it was all down to timing. In my mind we'd broken up already.

So, now that I've finished trying to absolve myself... we were out for a drink, then a second. All the while not running out of any conversation. Sure, I had a couple of rough moments where I couldn't wholly understand his accent but otherwise it was fun. Despite being an arch feminist, it's nice when they insist (despite protest) to pay for your drink. Which he did.

Under the reasonable excuse of having a flight to catch the next day for Croatia, he walked me home. All the way home- despite him not knowing Edinburgh and knowing he'd have to retrace his steps. I took a deliberately circuituitous route so that none of V's or indeed the man himself would see me. My front door is rather irksomely situated on a busy thoroughfare making adultery a difficult game to play. Anyway, we kissed and he said he looked forward to seeing me when I got back. I, still wary of the openness of the surroundings said "sure!!" and ran off. I can't actually work out if I like him. It's irritating:

1. I don't want a boyfriend. I had a perfectly ok one but left him through choice.
2. I don't want any drama. M messed up my life for 6 months after we broke up, do not want to repeat that saga.
3. He's nice and all.. but.. he's just.. he's.. not special enough. Plus he's not rugged in any way. I like farmers for a reason- it's why I liked M: the ARMS. Man. Nice arms are just so amazing.. I haven't seen Irish laddie's arms but my guess is that they're not great.*

I've now been back a few days and after having completely forgotten about Irish, I receive a text from him. Good show. Except it's one of those irritating texts where you know it's for someone else and just because you're unlucky enough to be at the top of someone's number list, you get everyone's shite sent to your mobile. I text back to say hello and that he'd sent it to the wrong number. A blank text in response. Next day (today) another crappy-meant-for-someone-else text. I text back again with a little less good humour to tell him he's sent to the wrong person.

The thing is, I don't actually care if I see him again or not. What bothers me is my friend (who introduced us) telling me how much he was going on about me and our evening together and his friends saying he was smitten. Which is grand, I don't hold it against him but why not reply to apologise for sending me unintended texts?! I understand not texting for a drink (a week is a long time in datesville, and he's probably kissed other girls in the meantime), that's not what I'm after. It's the conflicting stories! I think it's a case of fanning the flames. I hope he doesn't text properly, I'm quite happy single: it's been a long time waiting.

*Basing this on my own discontentment, I've not seen them naked.

Right, so as most of you know by now- my mega travels this summer included a whistlestop tour of China. Within that, I stayed in Shanghai. Within that I decided I had to go on the MagLev train. Mostly because I'm a closet physics geek but also because I remember A-level physics lessons being livened up by discussion of superconducters and electromagnetism. Which lead us nicely onto how you could harness this phenomenon:
Magnetically powered trains. With little resistance from friction as they 'levitate' above the rail. Awesome!!! What's not to love?
So, of course I had to go on this train, and so I did. For your viewing pleasure I took a short video of what it feels like to travel at 431 km per hour. It's fast. I think the 28 km journey was done in 4 minutes approximately.
Anyway: Yes! I want to see a super fast train journey!

.. because I publicly humiliated myself on youtube:
Consolation attempt

I'll no doubt replace it soon. It goes kind of wrong at the last third. Ach well!!! I'll put up some Chopin too eventually and maybe some beethoven.

edit: I've changed the recording to a slightly better one.

Whats your name backwards?
Yeknom

Name some lines from the song you are listening to?
Imma do this thing, like it ain't done before
Never leave the game stranded..

Gay or Straight?
Straight

What goes on your toast?
Marmite.
Or honey..

What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
fuck no idea.. let me see: "where bouts in prow r u?xxx"

Has someone groped you in the past week?
Ha.. maybe.....

Lily Allen or Kate Nash?
Neither really.... kate if i had to choose

Last person to call you babe?
My brother perhaps? months ago- I don't have the personality to suit 'babe'

I say ‘Jump!’, you say?
BANJA LUKA AMAAAAAAZING JUMP JUMP JUMP!!!

Whats the top played song on your MP3 player?
er.. maybe "pass in time" beth orton

Who did you last hold hands with?
The Grecian aka V

Who would you like to meet?
in the world? Erm.. you?

Funniest thing that happened today?
Nothing much tbh

Are you insane?
ha, probably

Whats on your bedside table?
books.. alarm clock.

How many piercings do you have?
my ears only

Whats one of your favourite quotes?
Currently- probably something by Milan Kundera

Have you ever kissed anyone who's name started with a S or N?
Yeah, both- a Stuart, a Steven, a Sebastian and a... oh, no Ns..

Is this year the best year of your life?
I have to admit, it's been one of the best

Ninjas or Pirates?
ha.. pirates..

Where do you want to go right now?
to the mountains.. hug a tree. That, or sailing in sunnier climes.

Who do you want to go with?
alone really...

Do you hate My Chemical Romance?
Hate's pretty strong. But I dont' like them.

What do you want from life?
satisfaction

When did you last do sex?
do sex. Who 'does' sex. Honestly. It's like asking "when were you last sexing?"
It's not for divulging.

What's your nickname and why?
It used to be Spazza. That's pretty self explanatory.

Anything written on your hand?
Yes!! I always write shit there. Currently: EETO handbook, memory stick.

Could you run the Country?
No way. I can't even run my own life

What are your favourite names?
Marmaduke and Archibald. For girls.

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
no, but I kicked a hole in a door once.

Name a good song.
My Sharona.

Where's your sister?
shrivelling up in my mother's depleted eggs presumably.

Have you got balls?
yes, one has two yellow spots, the other a single white. I play squash with them. Can yer guess what it is yet?!

How would you react if someone kissed you right now?
Depends who... if it was V, I'd smile sadly and tell him to fuck off. If it was Irish boy I'd smile flirtatiously and tell him to fuck off.

Wheres the weirdest place you’ve peed?
apart from into a glass because my bloody flatmate took so long in the bathroom?!!!
Maybe into a man's urinal.

Are you scared of Cows?
Of course not. Who the hell is scared of cows?!

Anything else to add?
I need to stop procrastinating!!!!

What's the best thing to do in the morning? Would your list also contain "witness to a fatal collision of bus and old lady"?

It wasn't pretty and because the streets are so narrow, the bus I was on had to stop for the whole 30 mins next to the scene as the paramedics covered her crushed body with a sheet and left the police to sort out the traffic jam. I didn't see the impact itself, just the aftermath and maybe from being desensitised it didn't shake me like it ought to. The bus driver was visibly distressed having been offered front row tickets...

Nasty.

There should be special old person crossings- maybe like a teleportation device. They just take so long to cross roads.

So! It was a fun packed week of workgroups, scheduled fun, scheduled over drinking and WATER RAFTING!!! Oh my God- it was so bloody fun. We were all geared up in our wetsuits, here are the girls:

We got on 6-8 people rafts and went wooshing down the river vrbas..
Here are some more pics (as demanded..):

Seriously- amazing. I was being bossy but it was all good. We had wars with the other rafts- splashing, stealing paddles, boarding boats to push people in. Soooo funny. Then, 200m form the end, we all jumped into the river to swim it. Great but I now have a sore throat/shiteous cold. It was either the rafting or from snogging my new pal.

Anyway. Bosnia is nice. Croatia is nicer.. Right. Bedtime. Emotional stress takes it out of you.

I'll be honest with you. After my exuberant decision to cut off The Grecian, I hesitated. It took me a while to remember what I wanted. The trouble is, he's so good to me and so in love with me that it makes me want to keep him, much like you'd keep a puppy.

As some of you know, I was in Bosnia for a week. It was for a conference on motivation, management etc.. as I'm now the president for the Edinburgh branch of the organisation, I was forced to go. I'm so glad I did. It gave me a week's respite to clear my head, to remember what it was that I wanted to acheive, and most of all- it proved that I'm just not in love. I'm ashamed to admit that the week before I left, I managed to pull an Irish friend of a friend- an architect new to Edinburgh, who loves the Once soundtrack, Irish music and acoustic guitar, who loves to travel and is old-fashionedly courteous. He left me a dozen voicemail messages the night we met as I went back to The grecian's, my cheeks burning with the shame of a reluctant cheat. We met up a few days later for a drink and it just got better- except, I felt the double knell of doom- I didn't want to be with the Grecian as I didn't want anyone and here I was entertaining the thought of being with someone else. In fact, the very thought of undressing in front of a new pair of eyes just maddens me.. in a bad way- I don't want the stress of all that.

Anyway, I've been in Bosnia for a week, with 40 odd other young people. I have to say, most of them appeared to be severely sexually frustrated, despite boyfriends/girlfriends at home, they were all climbing each other in some hedonistic Dante's inferno. One girl pulled about 7 of the participants, including another girl. I refused to pull anyone- despite 4 keen men trying me on for size. I resented their expectation that I would kiss them/sleep with them and for that I pulled myself back. I flirted with my colleagues from scotland, knowing that they'd take my friendliness in good grace and not assume I was trying anything.

I became friendly with one of the participants. He mentioned a girlfriend casually at the beginning but was always attentive- saving me a place, getting me a beer, offering to dance with me. I kind of felt he was pushing at me the same way but in his case I didn't mind. I never mentioned a boyfriend but to be honest, I didn't think about the Grecian at all over my trip. I didn't think about being available but not about being taken either. Anyway, as it worked out- his days of peeling off beer labels from bottles paid off. After one joke too many from me about his expression of frustration, we walked back to the hotel alone and kissed halfway home.
A puppy ran up to us while we kissed and befriended us. Then we couldn't get rid of it and it followed us all the way home ot the hotel and barked in confusion when we'd pause for another kiss. The kind of kiss I haven't had since M- the kind that sends lightning all the way through. The tension was unbelieveable. We just couldn't leave each other alone.. but we did, eventually- I went to sleep in the girls' room and he went to his. But before, we had to get rid of the puppy. My new friend said that the only way to get rid of it would be to be mean to it, either kick it lightly away or ignore it. If you show it any love, it'll keep hoping. So, much like the puppy, when I came home- I showed no love so that the Grecian wouldn't keep hoping.

Trouble is, I think he will...