People's inability to not assess others in terms of stereotypes baffles me. The minute clues we all pick up on when forming a first impression about a person are almost instinctive, uncontrollable. You're brought up in a pseudo-tribal society, where class is taboo but still rife- you're expected not to judge others yet be able to gauge politely, their socio-economic strata, affiliations and profession in a glance. This saddens me.. We're all wearing the uniforms of our upbringing and most without realising it. It's what we're comfortable with, what we know. Trapped in a comfort zone which is near impossible to transcend. Those who do, never quite feel they fit in.
An ex of mine came from what can only be described as a very modest background. Only child to parents both on their second marriage, he was to be their success story. Second time lucky. So, they worked hard and put everything they had towards giving him the best start he possibly could have. Sent him to one of England's most expensive and most exclusive boarding schools where he breakfasted and dined shoulder to shoulder with the little darling brats of the grotesquely wealthy. After his 7 years of boarding school, he only felt he connected with one other boy who happened to be the only African pupil in the school. Both felt like outsiders amongst these priveledged undeserving. Both were appalled at the jokes the other boys would play on their masters. One story D recounted was of the head boy using his dick as a dish cloth for one of the monk's teacup. After a good wipe around inside the cup, he ran back to his seat and waited for the monk to come and enjoy his first cup of tea for the day. It's the kind of behaviour that you'd expect from a bored teenager, perhaps playing a joke on one of his friends. Not something you'd do to an old man. The story had a happy ending for the monk, he was warned by someone better brought up.
Anyway, back to my point. From his bearing and his accent, you'd look at D and think he was of a certain class and heritage but the truth is, he's still ill at ease with people other than his own and despite all his potential, still only wants the simpler things in life. I suppose you can take the lad out of the east end but you can't take the east end out of the lad.
It's not just about the class system though. People make judgements on all sorts of things. They're all relative to their own place of course. What I notice would be different to someone else. As far as I'm concerned there are several areas one could use to judge me:
Being a woman- from the imposed usual snap judgements I hate appearing incapable or weak with the result that I appear too strong and perhaps stubborn.... From the point of view of women- I often feel that their own preoccupation with fashion/shopping/etc.. gives them the upper hand in being more feminine, with the result of me being overlooked as I'm in favour of simplicity and comfort. I don't mean fashion in the high art sense- more in the trendy sense. Where image preoccupies them so much as to have no room for other development.
Being an Engineer- believe it or not- this has a huge impact in this country: Engineers are geeks here. Meet someone in a social setting and tell them you're an Engineer, they'll be running away faster than a speeding bullet. Unless they're an Engineer themselves. Although, when combined with my being female- it does intrigue some men but I must admit- it puts off about 90% of women.
Being mixed nationality - the WASP set up still exists. Especially in old boys' clubs. Again, being a woman has its advantage- it adds to the inherent mystery and exoticism of womanhood. But within friendships, I've always found it hard to get along with people who don't have a global view. Who are 100% one thing and have no interest in travelling. I've found my better friends are either also of mixed nationality or have a love of travelling equalled only by someone who feels at home nowhere and everywhere. Tell someone you're part french and they'll immediately associate the negative qualities of the French as a whole to you. Whereas, in my case, the only characteristics I've adopted from that side is a forthrightedness, strong willedness and a tendency to existentialism..
Being womanly - everyone assumes you use your assets to get ahead. Women assume you're predatorial and men immediately sexualise you. Either they imagine you're easy or more receptive to attention. Everyone assumes you're on a diet or should be. I ordered a chocolate muffin the other day to go with a coffee and the cheeky barista asked me if I was having a bad day for needing "so much" chocolate. When I asked him what he meant he replied with "isn't it a woman and chocolate thing?" What happened to just being able to have what you want in peace without having to trade muffins for stories on your menstrual cycle in public?!
Being polite- often mistaken for being insipid and bland. People assume you won't argue. More fool them.
What saddens me more though, are people who can't approach you from their own complexes. When I first started working as a software tester- the office was filled with other students who didn't quite know what to make of me. They thought I'd be a bitch because (at least in their own evaluation) of my average attractiveness compared to their indistinctiveness. I get this a lot. All my male friends I have now (far more than before) say that they initially assumed I wouldn't want to be their friend or talk to them. Something about my bearing or their first impression. They assured me it wasn't from my self perceived aloofness and simply due to their own inferiority complexes. But still, it's sad, as most people wouldn't get the chance of a year or three to get to know you. Think of all the potential friends you might miss out on in that time..
Anyway, how does one stop oneself from making these snap judgements based on appearance and initial conversation? And can you ever change your perceptions of yourself relative to others? I know I'm guilty of it myself. I'm derisive of women who spend too much time trying to please men, make themselve attractive and superior to other women. I dislike incurious people and if someone seems to be such I write them off straight away. Maybe I'm a hypocrite.. I don't know. I shall have to think about this some more.
