the accidental girl

Comfortably swaddled in my Parisian bed, courtesy of a generous aunt, I wish you all a happy christmas! Abandoned, this year, by my parents so that I might better be a playmate to my grandmother, I find myself being an ear to chew, a moveable walking stick and a bit of a hanger-on.
Since being here, I've been the target for a vicarious assault on "where monkeypie SNR went wrong" in that he has no riches to speak of. I've gone through the diatribes of what makes England so crap, the English so odd and the food so terrible, my opinion aside, they forget that I'm not even English. Nevermind.

I put up with it because my aunt has been kind enought o welcome me into her home, to feed me and to let me live as I'd like. The only requirement being that I entertain my grandmother. As she's 50% of the reason I'm here, it's a pleasure. What I find a little off are my cousin's reflections and his unwillingness to invite me out with his friends. He's been out with a big group of friends every night I've been here and he's not invited me once. He might think I'm a total sad sack or boring but it's just polite.. Nevermind. If he ever comes to stay with me I'll make sure to take him out with lots of friends. Not that he'll see the point.

Oh, and to make things worse, I offered to take my gran- who loves carols and midnight mass etc.. to midnight mass and that this, in the midst of atheists (which is fine, I can hardly call myself religious at all) was laughed at! fuck's sake, it was for the pleasure of an elderly woman.. not an object of ridicule. Then she felt like she couldn't say yes because they were all joking about it. Think it really hurt her. By the time they all calmed down, it had gone 11pm and we'd missed our chance.
As grateful as I am to be so well housed over christmas, I wish it didn't feel so much like hanging on...

nevermind. Happy christmas and to a fruitful 2009!

The ghost of christmas present has vomited on my flat. I came home from a particularly long day of work, looking forward to some toast and maybe a glass of wine. I opened the door to my flat and wondered why the room was the hue of fluorescent bulbs. I poked my head round the door before entering and gasped.
The place was like the Lapland in New forest. "Stunning decorations" summed up as sparsely fluffed tinsel drawing-pinned to wall in a mockery of pin the tail on the donkey. With the fairy lights flickering their argon nightmare to the tune of jingle bells rocked out by a surfing Santa (I kid you not.)

The hallway radiator cover has been hijacked by the baby Jesus and his cronies. Not that I mind a nativity scene, but perhaps the mantlepiece would be more appropriate than an mdf heater lid. I found my gay flatmate dressed in a lady's santa hat. I know this because it came complete with "festive" pigtails- i.e literally, with bells on. Singing off key to the carols from the living room, competing with the exhausted surfing santa. He was hanging baubles haphazardly around the flat- on cupboard handles, door handles, hallyway mirrors.

Now, before you accuse me of thinking 'bah humbug' - I quite like christmas decorating, but not when it impedes use of the flat. Currently, all the door handles have glass baubles hanging on them, the kitchen has tinsel, sharp starred bunting and angels at eye level, gas cooker level and opening-fridge door level. Also, all the boxes have bene left strewn around the flat and he seems to have no intention of clearing them away.

I've had my wine, not so much to relax after 12 hours straight of revision/model making but to ground myself and realise I'm not dreaming. Father Christmas is the best multi-tasker: he can surf, sing and dance simultaneously.

I live on a particularly tight square- there's just about room to park two super minis on either side of the square's perimetre and still let a car through on a one way. Usually, the square is chocabloc full of residents' cars parked around it. Tonight was no exception. Could someone please explain what exactly went through the mind of the driver of a double decker bus when he decided to drive up this square, ignoring the narrow road sign at the entrance and when, upon realising, that he couldn't turn the bus round the corner, started to reverse back instead?

Except he couldn't reverse back either. Not without taking out the front of someone's peugeot. The corner of the bus slammed into the front corner of the peugeot *CRRRRUNCH* and glass everywhere.
Did he stop? No. On he went, further into the car's bonnet- it shifted back a foot from the force of the bus but then hit the post box behind it. On the bus went, nicely concaving the front of the car, crushing the numberplate into crumbs and then stopped, once the side was clear of the damage. Out got the driver to survey his work. Inspecting his handiwork. From my first floor window, feeling like a busy body I screeched "I saw that!! Are you impressed with the result or something?! Hope you're leaving your details, wouldn't matter 'cause I've got them down haven't I?" Feeling like a crazed harridan with a gleam of satisfied imperiousness in my eye, he dared challenge me.
"It wasnae me! I didnae do it!"
"Er, excuse me, but I think you'll find you did- I saw you back into the car and not stop until the front was completely crushed!"
"Is it your car?"
"No."
"what do you care then?"
"I care, because you've just done something evidently wrong and you're trying to deny it even though the evidence is irrefutable!!" I screamed down to him. Really raging now. Just as I was about to run to put my shoes on and go downstairs to give what for and take down his number plate, he shrugged, got into the bus, slammed his driver's door and backed out the rest of the square, mercifully missing the pedestrians crossing.

I only got the bus service number and a description of the driver, the numberplate was one of those ones encased in a plastic box so becuase of the angle of the light at that time of night I couldn't see it at all. What a pillock.. I rang the police but I guess there's not much more to do. Feel sorry for the Peugeot owner, should I leave a note on their windshield?

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before?
Went from feeling pretty much suicidal to on top of the world. Fun times.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Yeah I think so, worked harder than I might have done and haven't let anyone close enough to me to feel like 1. again.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, my cousin a few weeks ago and my God daughter's got a new little brother.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.. don't think so.

5. What countries did you visit?
France, Cyprus, Poland, Russia, Kazakhstan, China, Hong Kong, Croatia, Bosnia

6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Ooh.. less money worries. More time with friends and an arse without its own graviational field.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
14th Jan.. all M's fault. And the day I left the UK for Poland.. that was an exciting day.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Learning about myself and generally making myself less naive. Accepting who I am and working with it..

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting myself get so jealous and unhappy that I pushed M out of my life, and consequently S a little too.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No illness as such but I slipped a disc in Cyprus and was practically disabled for a week.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
from 2008... erm.. I never buy anything but I'd say this time it was money well spent on all my tickets abroad

14. Where did most of your money go?
Travelling!! All of it! Poof! And electricty bills oddly.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Cyprus.. China, Bosnia and proper nervous excited about last week in london.

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?
Scouting for girls - heartbeat
Regina Spektor- Samson
Ting Tings- shut up and let me go
Robyn - konichiwa bitches....
embarrassingly: bleeding love by Leona lewis..

17. Compared to this time last year, are you Thinner or fatter?
Exactly the same I think? Maybe a little fatter.

18. Richer or poorer?
Poorer... much much. But wiser now tha tI've discovered that I'm Epicurean!

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Hanging out with friends.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Crying/wasting my soul on M..

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
Cuddling new born babies in Paris! and playing with my goddaughter (who's 6 now! so big!)

24. What was your favourite TV program?
family guy is the only thing I'll make time to watch. I also liek random documentaries on things like prostitution, slavery, arranged marriage, particle physics and cultural immersion.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No hate's a big word..

26. What was the best book you read?
Ah.
The unbearable lightness of Being- Milan Kundera
The consolations of philosophy - Alain de Boton
We need to talk about Kevin- ?

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
William Joseph.. it's love

28. What did you want and get?
My thesis choice

29. What did you want and not get?
M
an unexplained donation of enough money to pay off my student loan (over £20k).

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Waltz with Bashir- which I saw last night, was astounding.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 25 in Kazakhstan, I was taken out for a meal with exceptionally good wine.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
running a half marathon like I intended but too much travelling meant no training.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?
I discovered skirts

34. What kept you sane?
I'm not sure I was, wholly.. perhaps V kept me sane. And then I broke him. So much for gratitude.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Ha, easy- james franco *sigh*.. and recently- william joseph

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
the US presidential elections, the problem in Ossetia

37. Who did you miss?
M
Latterly, S.. And I really really miss having a group of girl friends. I have some but not as a group, all individuals who dislike each other. It's not as fun.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
2008..... hmm. I discovered a best freind in my travel companion. But as a new friend- I think the one that stands out is the friend I made in Bosnia.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008
Umm.. I guess I saw the other side of the story. That I am capable of being loved- it's all relative. M was to me as I am to V. One person loving someone else strongly doens't make a case for a relationship, unfortunately.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Baby do you know what you took away? You took the blue, out of the sky, my whole life changed, when you said goodbye. And I keep crying.."
"Never is a promise, and you, can't afford to lie.."

So my half-tiger half-lion genetic mash up of a cat has taken a liking to the warm, smooth surface of the scanner. Just couldn't resist scanning her paws in!!

Taking the train up from London to Edinburgh, I'm always amused by the fact I've either been to, or have a connection with, every single one of the stops on the way up.

London- kind of obvious but Kings Cross in particular is where I used to go on a regular basis to visit my first boyfriend who lived there. Back in the day when the bus home was just the whole route and only cost me 70p.
[Stevenage- took the train from here once when I stay with an ex-boyfriends' family]
Peterborough- My flatmate from 1st year comes from here.
Doncaster- my brother's friend from uni lived here, I remember it because he lived in Scooby(?) I found the name hilarious at the time. But I may have mis-remembered it.
York- two good friends live here. Had to stay overnight once when the east coast train was being a bitch.
Darlington- I used to come here aged 16, to stay with my then-boyfriend. I still, to this day, look out along the platform in case I see him. I would still be able to find his house from the station if pressed.
Durham- went to stay with one of my school time best friends when she went to uni here. Also used to spend time here with above mentioned boyfriend.
Newcastle- my car was stolen here. But before then, I came here with an ex to go on a boat club which had a revolving floor. considering I was only 16 at the time, I don't remember much of it.
Berwick-upon-Tweed - no direct connection here yet. Although it looks pretty, I wouldn't mind living there.

Then I thought about all the places in the UK I've got to know through ex-boyfriends living there and started making up a map:

I'd like to call it my love map. It has a certina ring to it. It could also be referred to as the map of shame in some instances. In particular, some of the ones in croydon, salisbury and glasgow are shameful.

The areas as yet untouched by my scaly paws are not safe, I intend to put new point on my love map exactly in these locations. Citizens, beware!

My speed trip to London went well. Judging is hard to do- I had to assess 9 presentations along with a panel of 4 other judges and choose three winners. The top two were clear, one of them happened to be my friend and fellow uni student. I justified the bias on the grounds that all the other judges agreed she was the best candidate. The third place was the hardest to choose, there were three equally good candidates so it came down to a vote.

The winner went to Kazakhstan to work in a particle physics lab. As a theoretician, we thought she did well forcing herself to do applied physics. Especially in another country, where no one really spoke English.

The second place went to a guy who'd worked in Sierra Leone as a mechanical engineer. His placement led him to develop a project which will be usable in real life. A sort of hand held water pump- essential for poorly drained land, the type you get in western africa after heavy rains.

The third place went a girl who'd gone to Japan who was a mathematical physics placement. She basically won because her presentation was good and she'd had to do most of it in Japanese.

The two others who deserved a mention were a guy who went to Australia and had to learn 4 different programming languages on the trot. The computing side was the only real challenge he'd experienced which is why he didn't get a prize. Then another guy who went to Macedonia who seemed to just have loads of paties but his presentation was very impressive. His failing was because I know all the placements in Macedonia are about the social side of things and it's an easy placement as you get a very good network of local support to help you. Insider knowledge and all that...

Anyway, it was interesting being on the other side of the fence as it were. I'm glad I accepted to go although I'm really behind on my revision for my finals exam tomorrow. oh well. I can always try to get a job with the association instead if it all goes wrong!

These strips are clever, I've been enjoying them for a few months now. I particularly like this one:

In my continuing quest, that'll probably be me in a few years.

On a similar note. I'm horrified to see that on PostSecret, there may be a post from an ex boyfriend. It could be someone else entirely but the handwriting is almost identical to his (from 5 years ago) and the 'secret' shared could be relevant. I was considering sending one in but now... it feels kind of too exposed.

My latest offering:

...stupid revision time.

Ok, I've totally lost my (usually minimal at the best of times) sense of humour. I'm stressed about exams, I now hate my thesis for eating into brain time, I hate work (last week woo!), I see no-one anymore (too busy) and I've not played squash in an age and quite frankly, it's starting to show. On my hips of all places.

On the left I have V who I occasionally message to show willing and make sure he's holding up who had a sudden explosive tantrum about how I "clearly never loved him as I was willing to choose to spend my free time doing CV and life enhancing things rather than see him". Ok, so he's right but I can't very well admit that so coldly to his face. Then on the right, I have a suicidal flatmate whose highs and crashes are as varied as the current economic state. He claims to be remembering his prozac but seriously, if I have to 'remind' him one more time of how great he is and how much he's accomplished I might just steal his doses for myself.

To top it all off it's FUCKING FREEZING here. I'm wearing what can only be described as thermal long johns, a vest and a coat and a scarf and mittens and a hat as well as usual clothes and STILL my ears feel like they're being pierced all over again!!

Can't wait for Christmas, by then I'll be in Paris, trying not to drop new born babies etc.. and then!! January will be the best month EVER. FACT!

Until then, I'll just crawl into a ball and hope my exams will pass without too much stress.