the accidental girl

Last night saw the lion and panda stepping out for the first time as a unity. Still evidently mulling over how exactly to refer to me and what is the acceptable protocol, being that lion has apparently never had an official girlfriend before, we left for the ceilidh.
"Lover is better than girlfriend, no? I mean, it sounds far deeper, more connected.." I disagreed with his reasoning, saying that lover implies it's just a sexual connection.
"Hmm.. so you're telling me you want me to call you my girlfriend?"
I declined to answer and coyly said it was up to him, but if he didn't make up his mind I would infer I was a hired escort instead.

We headed up to his boss, colleagues and students. A room full of international students and learned people.. Nearly every five minutes, as he's attentive, I heard "Hi, have you met my girlfriend A_?" then I threw him off by introducing myself by my full name from time to time.. but he was very sweet and it was nice to meet people who know him well and evidently respect him. Hi boss was full of praise and even said it was nice to finally meet me after all he'd said. Which, rather than weirding me out that he's talking about me so personally with strangers, makes me feel a little glow of pride..

WE danced in the ceilidh, mostly me showing others how to because, trust me, a room full of multi cultural people, all of them new to Scotland, do not have a clue what to do. This earned me warm praise from his colleagues apparently, who all had nice things to say about me when I went to the loo.
After a particularly stressful evening (I find it stressful to have to be on best behvaiour for someone else's sake, especially as i'd misjudged my clothing. "Wear something nice" he'd said "You look good in that dress.." so I wore the dress. It's quite low cut and ceilidh's jump a lot... nothing fell out but i did have to pop over enthusiastic flesh back in from time to time....) we went to meet his polo mates for drinks. Now THIS was fun. I was totally relaxed with these guys and they found my pint drinking, inappropriate joke telling quite charming as opposed to a shock! So, brownie points all round for monkeypanda. The true test will be when I meet his usual circle who are all rah/sloanie types and don't usually care a sausage about accomplishments so much as your heritage and bank balance...

Anyway, I'm sure if he likes them then I will.. we're scarily similar in our discerning ways. It's only been two weeks! I still feel excited about it all. Yay!

Crap.. ok, I have a massive deadline to meet tomorrow. I'm supposed to have written, according to my supervisor, HALF my thesis. That's about 10000 words to you and me. Actually, over half because this is supposed to be the bulk of my research, so 14000 words. And, well, I haven't. What I have done, is make a sketch-up model of the abbey! What a wonderful waste of time! And a wooden model of the abbey, which I will test potential roofing systems on. And wow historic scotland with my clever engineering.

Maybe.

Anyway. I had a total female panic at the amount of work, went to see my supervisor, who calmed me down, assured me that I wasn't making life difficult for myself, that I could get a first, that it only needed to be 20 pages long, that I'm on the right track. Then I relaxed too much, went to the library, did 5 hours of work on a mac- saved it on ym memory stick, some crap message about 'uncompatible file format' which I ignored, saved. Then, tonight, I'm back on the pc to do more work, open work done today. Where the fuck is it?! It didn't save. SHIT!
So. From this I can infer: I am stupid. Macs are stupid. I'm screwed.

At least I have a ceilidh as a dancing panda to look forward to.....

Do you ever get "​​​​good m​ornin​g"​​​​ texts​ from anyon​e?​​​​
No, probably because I have a habit of never responding to my phone, on principle.

Who last texte​d you?
Harry about a thing I was supposed to attend tonight, which i didn't

What time did you go to sleep​ last night​?​​​​
Ha! 5am?

What woke you up today?
The alarm, at 7am, then the Lion getting me up

When was the last time you talke​d to your best frien​d?​​​
A few hours ago for one of them! S back in December

What was your dream​ about​ last night​?​​​​
I didn't have time to dream although apparently I ground my teeth a lot.

Are you curre​ntly frust​rated​ with a girl?​​​​
No, happy happy

Are you curre​ntly frust​rated​ with a boy?
Not really no makes a change

How is your hair right​ now?
terrible? Piled on top of my head in messy wavy curls

Do you prefe​r to call or text?​​​​
text! I'm so antisocial

Last time you slept​ over at someb​ody'​​​s house​?​​​​
last night..

Are you a bad influ​ence?​​​​
no, I'm the opposite. But I am annoying when inattentive

When was the last time you went shopp​ing?​​​​
Saturday

Did you laugh​ a lot at somet​hing today​?​​​​
No, too tired to laugh today

What'​s​ bothe​ring you right​ now?
Other than money and getting good grades, nothing

What were you doing​ last night​ at 11?
erm

Who was the last perso​n you took a pictu​re with?​​​​
My thesis partner I believe. We spend too much time together.

Think​ back five month​s ago, were you singl​e?​
No but I wanted to be

Who can you blame​ for your bad mood today​?​​
The Lion for keeping me awake with his chat lol

What do you prefe​r,​​ Skitt​les or Starb​ursts​?​​
starbursts! But only as opal fruits

How was last night​?​
Really really nice

How do you feel right​ now?
exhausted

Do you think​ someo​ne is think​ing about​ you right​ now?
Hopefully otherwise this is ALL one way or I have no will power

Could​ you go the rest of your life witho​ut smoki​ng a cigar​ette?​
Yes, easily

Are you a jealo​us perso​n?​
Only when I feel insecure about a person. If I trust them then no.

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
Yeah, other than films, then no.

Who was the last perso​n you texte​d?​
Harry!

Have you ever read an entir​e book in one day?
Yes not lately though

Think​ a lot befor​e you sleep​?​
too much these days, buzz buzz head with no zzzzz.

Hold hands​ with anyon​e in the past 2 weeks​?​
not really- Lion a little but only in the house when we're sitting together

Ever dyed your hair?​
back in my teens and early twenties. Far too old fo rthat, though I'll have to dig out the anti grey soon.

What'​s runni​ng throu​gh your mind right​ now?
mmmm sleep time. Wonder what Lion's up to..?

Do you have a frien​d of the oppos​ite sex you can talk to?
H, GBF and Lion: about anything.

Are you someone who worries quite often?
No

Have you ever kisse​d someo​ne whose​ name start​ed with a K?
As in snog? No..

Is there​ anybo​dy you wish you could​ be spend​ing time with right​ now?
Friends, but am sleepy so not really.

What does the sixte​enth text in your inbox​ say?
"Jst realised that this is 1st Val day where we are all busy! Triple date? LOL xXx"

Have you ever falle​n aslee​p in someo​ne'​s arms?​
yes

Do you wish someo​ne would​ call or text you right​ now?
a goodnight text might be nice but won't happen

Is your life anyth​ing like it was a year ago?
No. Which is amazing and good. I'm far stronger, happier and calm.

Where​ will you be a year from now?
Ah, the million dollar question... who knows.

I've finally succumbed to the idea of liking someone enough for them to take over my life a little. To give a bit more in order to accommodate a being I enjoy spending time with and can talk to for hours (literally) about anything.

I shyly told him I may want us to be more than just the 'lovers' he'd named us as being. He froze a little in our embrace and moved his lips just a little closer to my ear and, after a lifetime of a heartbeat, whispered he'd been waiting to follow my lead. He feels comfortable around me, unafraid of being open, trusts me and to be completely and surprisingly frank, I feel exactly the same.

"I shall introduce you as my very own dancing panda" he declared in response to what relation I would be to him at the ceilidh we're attending together. "A panda like no other. It sounds so much better than 'lover' or 'girlfriend', don't you think?" I told him it may be more accurate to introduce me as his cleaner after I tackled the encrusted shower cubicle which he's too big to clean.

So I'm his girl.. I like it. I'd forgotten what it felt like to be with a man as opposed to a boy and to not have to make every minute decision. He likes me just the right amount, without the doting, blind adoration of the grecian and for my personality and, he conceded, maybe for what he calls my big dark panda eyes.

Happy monkey (panda) x

edit: a year long blog and it feels nearly like a conclusion. Sadness brought me here and now.. well now I'm better equipped.

So Italian Stallion and I are seeing rather a lot of each other. I no longer understand my initial reluctance, he's actually better than I gave him credit for.
We saw the Reader on Wednesday. This is based on a book which meant a lot to me when I read ti for the first time at 15. Some of the moral conundrums posed challenged me in ways that books hadn't managed to before then so it's a story I hold close to the most genuine part of my personality. I dont' think he realised when he suggested we see it how much it meant to me but it was so perfectly done, I was in tears for most of the second half. I think this humanising of myself has helped us become closer and go a little beyond the level of flirtatious banter.

We met up again last night. Rather, I went out to celebrate the end of design fortnight- everyone was split into groups of four and pretended to be a design team preparing a bridge design for a client. The winning entry from our uni goes on to compete in the national competition held by Corus. Anyway, it was an intense fortnight. 9am-12am every day from Monday 5th Jan to yesterday (including weekends apart from sat night and wed night when I was obviously being wooed (ha) by my Italian Stallion). Anyway, we've finally reached the point where he wanted to know about my sexual history. I'm afraid it's the onyl point I havent' been completely completely transparent about. Not lying directly but omitting about half of my past victims, namely the flings, the unimportant and the mistakes. The version he has is- 5 serious boyfriends (names, why we broke up- he was nosey, age etc) and some vague allusion to a couple of momentary lovers. He's not seemingly bothered by the variation and impressively complex nature of my past romance. I think his honesty and acceptance at how a 25 year old girl might have a slightly prolific past is exemplary. There was no hint of jealousy in his interest and I was almost tempted to say too much as give him the full roll call despite its unecessary honesty.
But then, in the way only a woman can, I grew slightly panicked at his calmness. Did this lack of jealousy mean that he's not actually considering me for a full time post or that he's just a grown up and reasonable?
Did our subsequent conversation ove rthe salmon scrambled eggs where he expressed his disgust that his best friend's girlfriend left his mate after 6 years together because he refused to "go the next step" for the foreseeable future, mean to be a hint as to him not wanting something serious?
Is his calmness at my insistance that I want to be offically single despite his invitations to his work dos, matches etc as his 'plus one' translated as his wanting someone casual and if I were to backtrack and suggest that perhaps I wanted to be single until I met him, he would run for the hills?

I think I'm thinking too much about it. This arrangment obviously suits him. He gets sex on tap without any of the hassle. Although saying that, he's the one who'll text/call often and who'll tell me we've had a meeting of minds. He's the one who'll admit to not having ex girlfriends more than just flirtations, who admits to having been in love with impossibly difficult women, who then tells me he decided to try a different tack with me. Does that mean that a) I'm not difficult (as if!) or b) that he won't love me?

I told him about M and he understood. I suspect I went too far when I passionately declared him the reason for my commitment phobia. He held me and kissed my hair and said how crazy it as to how similar we are.

Ok. Crazy search for truth over. This is why I wanted to be single. I can feel myself start to care a little too much about what this man thinks. Could it be that I'm remembering how to fall for someone? I shoudl stop over analysing and just relax and fight the urge to label everything. All hail intangible OCD!

So Monkey's quest for eternal happiness continues. Previously, I mentioned a date with a lion-like eligible bachelor. A half Italian, half south african PhD, waterpolo playing beast of a man. Well, a 4th date happened over the weekend. Where it was established:
- he's still not pretty but he's ruggedly handsome in a manly way
- he's secretly a sweetheart, having thought of me on his return home and brought me back enough african tea to last me the year
- additionally to the above, that I'm to have his prized waterpolo team t-shirt in a sort of hark to american high school dramas where the girl wears his team jacket.
- he's maybe 3 times my body mass and seeing as I'm a big girl, makes him quite big.. I think I estimate his thigh to be roughly the size of a 50 year old oak
- he's a good cook having made me a feast of artichoke, parsely, lemon and pancetta spaghetti..
- he's easy to talk to and actually pretty funny
- he managed to win me over 90% more when, whilst both lying close, he said:
"You know, some dude once said that the first glimpse of a woman you like naked is the most beautiful sight to a man. I think, right now, I couldn't agree more. You're even more gorgeous than I'd let myself imagine.*"

*is that creepy? Or do men normally mentally undress their victims dates?

Anyway, so far so good. Does this mean I'm growing up? Accepting an imperfect package in favour of niceness? Ok so he's not musical, lean or boyish. He doesn't speak any other languages and he's a bit in love with money. I'm not anywhere close to being in love with him and I secretly hope I don't because otherwise it'll mean dominic gee's prediction will have come true- the next guy I fall for will have none of my usual qualities...

Choosing your path for the future is tricky at best and just teeming with minefields. When I started my course, the industry was at an all time high and my peers and I were promised great things, no difficulty in finding a job, no worries, people will be asking you to work for them as opposed to the normal way of things. How things change. Graduation is looming and the deadlines for graduate jobs are reaching their 'apply-by' dates.

I'm too scared to apply formally fo rthe jobs promised verbally in case they've been rescinded in the light of the crisis. Is it the fear of failure or simply that I know they'll ask me to move away, far, if I accept a job with them?

Talking to friends, I feign indifference at the severance I'm aiding. Laying my plans bare with cool nonchalance, painfully contrary to my heart. As I hear them slightly panic at the enormity of the distance, I feel, on my lips, the words which will betray my suppliance; that I'll stay near if only you give me reason to. But I have been too betrayed by trust and my hard earned cynicism translates as deliberate strokes of insensitivity.
I sometimes register the hurt it causes with small satisfaction. The incredulity with which close friends cry "China! / Oman!" makes me feel a little more needed. And although myself in many another universe will needle "Is that ok..?" and sigh with relief when the reply is that I'm needed close, that I can't move to [insert impossibly far away place here..] because it's too far to bear, I know that I will go. But now it's borne of necessity rather than daring.

I always factored in a move in my life plan. But it was to France or within Europe at the least, not trans continental.. I guess you do these things when you're young but I love my friends and need them near. Maybe I'm just scared that they don't feel the same so I'm making my separation more palatable by protecting my truth with a mask of adult aloofness.

The fact is, I fall in love with those who can't or won't love me back and with this prejudice, I paint all relationships with the same brush.

Another friend told me this weekend he liked me. I can't help but admit I don't feel the same. I should learn to love someone who wants that of me perhaps...